When I lost my son, Shane, my whole life as I knew it was over, finished, each day was a nightmare and all I wanted to do was go to bed and die. And this is exactly what I tried to do for several years. I thought nobody knew how I felt, I was all alone. I had openheart surgery, a 5 way bypass 2 years before I lost Shane. After Shane was killed, I had 3 heart attacks back to back, each hitting the same area until finally the 3rd heart attack killed that section completely. I had no will to live and this devastated me because I had another child, a son,Shawn, 1 year and 1 day younger than Shane and they were closer than twins. Shane was his everything. yet, all I could see was my own grief.I decided to get a computer although I knew nothing about the internet, thinking this would be a lifeline to the outside world.As I started traveling and learning about this online journey, I began searching the keywords, grief, loss of child, memorial sites, etc. This search led me to another part of this road I was walking and I slowly began to realize that I wasnt alone, I wasnt crazy, I was just 1 more mom on this grief road trying to make it thru the rest of my life here on earth, without my child. There were things I was afraid to tell even my family about for fear of being committed because I did survive 2 complete nervous breakdowns and was having seizures pretty much daily. I had jumped up out of bed in the wee hours of the morning many times and jumped in my car and drove to the cemetery which was only 1 mile away. I would throw myself on Shane's grave and scream asking God why, why why God? I needed him more than you God, why??????? I knew that Shane wasnt in that grave but that was the last place I saw his earthly body so I was drawn there by some invisible source pulling my heart to that grave. Several nights I spent the night on his grave in the rain , storms, snow, ice, etc because I couldnt bear to think of him there all alone, cold, wet. As I stated before in my right mind I knew he was in heaven, with Jesus but a mother who sees her child buried under that ground doesnt think rationally. Shawn knew I had spent the nite out there because he has come and got me from there but I never told anyone else because I knew that I was crazy and I was trying to hide this from everyone. I tried for sometime to act "normal" in front of family and friends even though I didnt have a clue what normal meant anymore. I finally quit pretending, realizing this was MY child and I didnt have to answer to anyone. My family try to never mention his name for fear of upsetting me. They never sign any of his guestbooks or light a candle even on his birthday or angelversary but all of the wonderful online moms do. A mom's greatest fear is that her child is going to be forgotten and others who havent lost a child has NO idea how much it means to have someone sign these guestbooks. We labor over these pages for hours, sometimes until we literally cant see the words because we are lost in this nightmare thats now our life. I joined an online support group and read a post one day about another mom who had also drove to the cemetery all times of the nite and I realized then that I wasnt crazy. I know that God has put many wonderful, caring and compassionate moms in my life to encourage and support me and I truly believe our angels helped because they knew who would help their mom. Alot of the moms who I love dearly communicate daily or frequently with by email. snail mail, phone calls, graphic gifts, etc and this means the world to me. I feel they are all that I have who truly understand and know exactly how I feel. Ann Simmons was one of these moms that I knew this way but I was a member of a small group that invited her to hoin us. Ann really isnt a group person but there was several in this group that she wanted to get to know better so she joined. We know now that this was all in God's plan because we got so close, so quickly and can tell each other anything, share memories of our boys, share the emotions that hit us, things we arent comfortable telling others even though we love all the moms and their angels. We know that our boys visit us and give me the words to say in the poems I write. I was searching thru the websets looking for a valentine page to use for Valentine's Day and found this sisters of heart webset and knew the boys had led me to it because it was made for Ann and me and I truly believe this. Anyway, thank you my dear sister of my heart for all that you do for me, for the support and encouragement you give me on a daily basis, fot always being here for me when I need you, for the prayers I can feel lifting me, for just being you. Neither of us ever had a sister until we met and now we call each other sisters of our heart. TY my dear sister........ One day we will all be together again in heaven, reunited with our sweet boys. What a joy that will be. I love you, Dj PS we both love Allison Kraus so when I found this version with Allison and Vince Gill singing together, I thought it appropriate. < < Thank You Jesus Lord, I never had a sister though I always wanted one. Mom had 3 little boys quickly, then almost 7 years later I was born. Then I prayed to have a little girl of my very own, But I had 2 boys so that dream was gone. Then the most horrible nightmare came to pass, My oldest son, Shane was taken so fast. I didnt want to live and kept asking why, Couldnt understand why You didnt allow me to die? Then you started to send other Moms across my path, they had also lost a child, They encouraged me and would listen to me cry and vent across the miles. I know I will continue to question why,why my precious son? Why did he have to be the one? I will never find the answer to these questions I seek so hard to find, But I thank You Jesus for the moms I've met, so good and kind. We all hurt and mourn so deeply and know we always will,the rest of our days on earth, Thank you Lord for the sister you sent, sisters of the heart, not birth. We mourn, we vent, we cry, we encourage and pray, We know we will be reunited with our sweet boys one day. Please Jesus take goods care of them until our names You call, Help us to keep our faith and in You to always stand tall. Thank yoi for each of these Moms and help us to help each other make it thru, Lead and guide us in all that we try to accomplish or do. Give us the strength to make it thru each day, Jesus, sweet Jesus, show us the way by Dj, Shanes mom 2/7/09 < < < < < Lite a Candle for Jason, click on the candle above Lite a Candle for Shane, click on the candle above Lite a Candle for our Angels or Yours, click on the candle above